My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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