on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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