you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing