wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.