How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
