we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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