So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
