i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
