I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
