I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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