I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
