My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
