I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
