girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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