I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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