My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
