Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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