we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
