Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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