This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
