But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
