he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
