You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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