Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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