I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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