i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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