Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
