i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
