Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We need to rekindle our bromance
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
