I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
