It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
