My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
