i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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