My brain says no but my pants say off.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
