between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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