If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
