meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
