I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
