I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
