I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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