Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
