If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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