you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
It was confusing and full of hummus
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
