Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
