The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
BRING THE BAGELS
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
