Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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