dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
