just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
