i need an iv and a liver transplant
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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