No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
