Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
