the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need to calm my uterus...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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