were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
