My room smells like vodka and shame
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
