The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
