I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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