he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
