ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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