I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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