Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
