Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
