So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
