this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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