I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize