lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
