ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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